WHEN I WALKED AWAY FROM GOD: AND HOW HE CAME FOR ME ANYWAY

Isaiah 43:1

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine."

The Heartbreak That Broke Me All Over Again

After everything Jesus had already done in my life. After the healing, the softening, the surrender. I walked straight into the first real heartbreak of my new life with Him.

I had finally found a place where I felt like I belonged. A business partner. A leader. A mentor. A woman helping other young adults chase their dreams.

For the first time, I felt like I was part of something bigger. Like I was finally making a difference.

And then it all flipped.

I was bullied. Yelled at. Thrown into situations as bait. Blamed for things I didn’t do. Used. Manipulated. Targeted.

She needed someone to take the heat off her, and I became her target.

It brought back childhood memories I thought I had buried. With women, I always cowered. I never fought back. And this time was no different.

Except now, I couldn’t just walk away. I was an investor. A partner. I was tied to this place.

So I stayed.I let myself get walked on. Used. Drained. Broken.

It got to the point where every morning I would call my husband crying before work. Every night I came home empty, exhausted, and miserable.

I knew deep down I was being used to help rebuild that place, but I didn’t care anymore. I was drowning.

I was trying so hard to lean into God for direction, but I was still so new to this whole “God thing” that I didn’t even know what leaning in looked like. I didn’t want to do it wrong.

The Day I Snapped

One Sunday night at 9:30 PM, I got an email that broke me.

I woke up the next morning with fire in my chest. “I’m going to show this woman,” I thought.

I walked into work like normal, but I didn’t greet anyone. Didn’t smile. Didn’t talk.

I went straight to my office, packed my things, and walked out the back door without looking back.

My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe I was leaving. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, confused. I just knew I had to get out of there.

I called one of my other partners. I called my husband. I told them everything.

Here’s the truth:

The old me was peeking through. I wanted revenge. I wanted her to feel the pain she caused me. I wanted her to hurt the way I was hurting. So, I took the easy way out. When things got hard, I bolted.

I never bothered to look at myself and see the things I might have been doing. But that was never me in stressful situations. I was in fight or flight mode. And I would do anything to get out. Regardless of if it hurt someone or not.

Most of all, I didn’t understand why God let this happen.

“Why God? Why me? Why would You put me in this situation if You knew she was a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Why would You let her treat me like garbage? Is this what Your love looks like?”

I was angry at her. But I was furious at God.

I didn’t want to pray. Didn’t want to listen. Didn’t want to open my Bible.

I put it on the shelf, right next to all the other self‑help books I bought and never read.

I was DONE with God.

I stopped going to church and because of that my husband and kids stopped too. I drug them down with me. I was to hurt, to blind to see what I was doing.

The Deepest Pit I Had Ever Fallen Into

I was jobless. Hopeless. Faithless.

I sat in the same rocking chair every day for two months. Sobbing. Wondering what I had done wrong. Wondering why God didn’t love me. Wondering what was wrong with me.

I felt disposable. Used. Thrown away.

And the irony? That’s exactly how I used to treat people before I was saved.

The old me was coming back. The darkness. The hopelessness. The self‑hatred.

I was sinking.

The Show That Saved My Faith

My counselor, Jake, bless that man. He had asked me if I had ever watched The Chosen.

A “God show”? Absolutely not. I was still mad at Him.

But I had nothing else to do. So, I watched it.

Let me tell you, that show cracked my heart open. In pretty much every episode.

The first scene that wrecked me was Mary Magdalene in the bar. She was drowning in her sin. Jesus puts His hand on hers and says:

“That’s not for you.”

Then He follows her outside and says:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you.I have called you by name.You are mine.”

Which is a verse in Isaiah 43:1.

Right then, first episode in. I was hooked

I binged the entire first season in a day. Then the second season in two days.

Mary Magdalene became my favorite character, because I saw myself in her. I connected with her in so many ways.

The second scene was the one that hit me like a ton of bricks. Mary strays from the camp. Goes back to her old sinful self. Feels ashamed. Afraid to face Jesus.

Just like me in that rocking chair.

She says:

“I am ashamed. You redeemed me and I threw it all away. I don’t think I can live up to everything.”

And Jesus replies:

“You don’t have to live up to it. I just want your heart. Did you really think you’d never struggle or sin again?”

I lost it.

I bawled. I sobbed. I broke.

Because it felt like He was talking directly to me.

Then He says:

“Look up at Me. I forgive you.It is over.”

And something inside me shattered, in the best way.

The Day My Heart Finally Changed

My heart changed that day. I mean REALLY changed.

I started seeing things so much clearer. This was the season where I finally learned how to be patient, how to let go of the things I couldn’t control, and how to let God love me exactly where I was. Whether I was joyful, hurt, sad, annoyed, or angry.

I let Him meet me there. I let Him comfort me.

I picked my Bible back up. I flipped through the pages until I found Isaiah 43:1, and when I did, I highlighted it. I printed it out and hung it by my bed so I would never forget:

I am still His. No matter what.

God works in the craziest ways, and I wanted to understand Him so badly.

But here’s what I learned. He wasn’t punishing me. Oh no, never. He is not a punishing God. He is a loving God. And that matters, because when I start telling you about the things I did before I was saved and the things I went through, you need to remember that.

He allowed me to walk through these things because He already knew my story.

He knew my ending. He knew I would share my testimony long before it ever crossed my mind.

He comes for the sinful because we have the best stories to tell. He knew I would be sitting here one day, praying and typing like crazy, believing with my whole heart that this would help women all over the world come to Him.

The Truth, i need you to leave with

This life does not come easy, and it’s not supposed to. But I pray you start looking at your own life differently. Not as a series of failures. Not as proof that you’re too messy or too sinful, but as the very testimony God is building inside you.

Every heartbreak. Every setback. Every pit. Every relapse. Every moment you thought you ruined everything.

It’s all part of the story of how you’ve been saved by the Blood of Jesus. By His love. By His patience. By His mercy.

He doesn’t want your perfection. He doesn’t want your performance. He doesn’t want the polished version of you.

He wants your heart.

And if you give Him that. Even the broken, confused, angry, ashamed parts. He will handle the rest.

Closing Prayer . For the Woman Who Thinks She Blew It

Jesus,

I lift up the woman reading this, the one who feels like she walked too far, fell too hard, or messed up too much. The one who thinks You’re disappointed in her. The one who thinks she ruined her chance with You.

Remind her she is still Yours. Remind her You have called her by name. Remind her You never stopped coming for her, not once.

Meet her in the place she’s sitting right now, whether it’s anger, shame, confusion, or heartbreak. Show her that You aren’t afraid of her mess. Show her that You don’t expect perfection. You just want her heart.

Pull her out of the pit the way You pulled me out. Speak to her the way You spoke to Mary: “Look up at Me. I forgive you. It is over.”

Let her feel Your love in the exact place she feels the most unworthy. Let her know she is redeemed. Let her know she is safe. Let her know she is still chosen.

Thank You for being the God who stays, even when we run. Thank You for loving us back to life.

In Your Holy Name,

Amen.